I just want to say, I’m here for anyone who is struggling with body image, or self image in any way. I have suffered through it terribly all my life in many many aspects and am recovering slowly. I’m at a really good place now though, and I believe the pain can diminish. I am here to listen and offer small guidances if needed, and I really want anyone who is in pain to feel safe coming to me, on anon, or off. I really truly deeply care about this, so please just know I am here. Maybe in the future I’ll talk more about my past struggles. It’s been too long that I’ve felt ashamed for what I’ve experienced.
Do you ever look at an old photo and feel a rush of previous thought patterns and feelings flood back into you? This is a picture of me from mid June or so of 2013. I had just arrived back home from Holland. Looking back I think I looked very beautiful. I would never have seen that beyond my grossly skewed image of myself back then. I was so hyper critical of myself and I felt fucking miserable about my appearance, like, devastatingly miserable. I judged every feature and magnified in on every “flaw” I thought I had. I remember every day thinking obsessively, over and over “it’s alright, it can be changed, you can fix it, it doesn’t have to be like this” about every part of my appearance. It would comfort me to list the things I hated about myself, because then I felt I had more control. I was so deeply insecure. I was so enormously uncomfortable in my own skin.
This certainly wasn’t my worst or lowest point. I just found this photo and it brings me back, you know. I’ve battled body dysmorphia and eating disorders since I was eight years old. I’ve been on a long long journey of self discovery and healing. It has not been fucking easy.
I look at this picture and honestly I think here I look more beautiful (in my own idea of the word) than I do now, but I feel so much more confident in myself now than I did at this time, which is just so strange to me.
Over time things have changed and I’m really very grateful to have gained a different perspective. It’s not perfect but it’s worlds different now.
uncovering old photos in my computer from a backup of an old phone I thought I couldn’t access and oh my goodness I am emotional
he was a boy, she was a girl, could i make it anymore heteronormative